


Freedom

by natashalieromanov



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Child Abuse, Depression, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Food Issues, Gen, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Hurt No Comfort, James "Rhodey" Rhodes & Tony Stark Friendship, James "Rhodey" Rhodes is a Good Bro, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm, Starvation as Punishment, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, gendered slurs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-22
Updated: 2018-06-22
Packaged: 2019-05-26 23:55:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15012185
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/natashalieromanov/pseuds/natashalieromanov
Summary: Tony Stark knew trauma long before he flew a nuke into a wormhole.Tony Stark knew trauma before he was kidnapped by the Ten Rings.Tony Stark's first trauma was his father.





	Freedom

If Tony weren’t such a disappointment, his father would love him. This he knows for a fact. The boy lies on the floor, bruised and bloody, waiting for Jarvis to help him, his father’s words ringing in his ears.

_Robots? Again? The military doesn’t care about robots, Anthony. Don’t bother looking at me until you make something I can actually use._

_Worthless._

_You’re a fucking waste of space, Anthony, and your mother should have just aborted you when she had the chance._

Tony can’t decide which hurts more: Dad’s words or his fists.

*

He hasn’t seen his mother in a month.

Mama has always been a fleeting figure, coming and going to charity events and almost immediately retreating to her room. But she never shouts at Tony to leave when he came in for a cuddle. He curls up next to her and she blows on his hair, making him giggle.

“What has my bambino gotten into today?” she asks.

And he launches into everything he had done that day, from building things, to cooking with Jarvis (but never about Dad hitting him; he cried about it to Mama once and she only said he didn’t mean to), and Mama listens and smiles softly.

Then she sleeps.

And sleeps.

And sleeps, and then wakes up and does it all again. Sometimes, though, she’ll squeeze in time for him. She’s been teaching him piano. Dad says he’s not very good, and Mama angrily shushes him and reassures him that Dad is wrong. Tony lets Mama hold him close, and Tony breathes in the scent of her flowery perfume.

It’s better than the scent of Howard’s harsh cologne.

*

Mama never stays, but Tony convinces himself that it’s fine, that he doesn’t need her physically there to know that she loves him.

That doesn’t explain why his heart feels cut to bleeding every time she leaves, though.

*

Tony rocks back and forth as he hides in the closet, eyes clenched shut and hands clamped over his ears. If he hides here, he’ll be safe. Dad won’t be able to find him, won’t be able to see him if it’s dark, won’t be able to hear him if he doesn’t cry, doesn’t breathe.

His eyes burn, and he blinks the tears back because Dad can’t find him, he can’t get hit again, he won’t.

Maybe, just maybe though, Tony deserves it. Dad had told him to stop building robots, and he did it anyway, but the design was so cool, and he thought that maybe his dad would like it, even though he’d threatened to hit him if Tony showed him another robot, but Tony never learns. It’s no wonder Dad hits him and calls him a worthless waste of space.

He made a mistake by leaving the bot on the floor of his bedroom. He jumped when he heard a loud crash, followed by a roar of, “God fucking dammit, Anthony!” and something in him had screamed _safety safety get to safety, if he can’t find you, you’ll be safe._

The closet is safe, and he never wants to leave.

*

Blood rushes through his ears. His heart pounds, and he tries to suck in air, but he can’t. He is going to die.

_Dad’s going to kill me, Dad’s going to kill me, Dad’s actually going to kill me, help me, someone, help mehelpmehelpme, I can’t breathe and he’s going to kill me._

Howard isn’t even home, off on another expedition to find Captain America. Logically he knows this, but his brain is too loud, and he’s breaking Dad’s rules again, and Dad could come home at any second and find him and his fists hurt and Tony’s ribs still aren’t healed and -

Tony’s going to die.

*

He’s so hungry.

Dad had come home from Stark Industries early and found Tony cooking with Jarvis. Dad hates it when he cooks with Jarvis, says it’s too girly and that he hasn’t raised his son to be a pussy. Jarvis is careful to make sure Dad never finds out, because “What he doesn’t know won’t harm him, Master Anthony”, but Dad came home and caught them, and Tony had been having so much fun until he saw Dad.

When he sees Dad, he has to actively try not to shake. It always hurts more when he cries or shakes. His fractured cheekbone is proof.

Only this time, Howard doesn’t punch Tony. He doesn’t yell. Instead he sneers, grabs Tony by the hair and tugs until Tony’s looking him in the eye.

“What did I tell you about cooking, Anthony?”

Tony swallows the lump in his throat. He will not cry. “T-that it’s too girly.”

“And?”

“And…”

“Spit it out, Anthony!” A harsh tug draws an involuntary gasp from Tony. “I don’t have all fucking day!”

“Th-that you’re not raising me to be a pussy.”

“That’s right, Anthony.” He lets go and shoves Tony into the marble counter.

“Mister Stark, really-”

“Stay out of this, Jarvis!” Dad looms over Tony, and he represses a shudder. “I don’t think I’m getting through to you, Anthony. I do everything I can to make you tough. The world is cruel, boy, and you wouldn’t survive for a second because you’re too fucking sensitive. You like cooking? Too bad you won’t get to eat a fucking bite of it. And if I catch you sneaking food, you can kiss Jarvis goodbye.”

Dad drags Tony to his room and locks him in. Then, silence.

Tony’s too afraid to cry.

*

Jarvis sneaks Tony some food anyway, because for some reason, Jarvis loves him, but Tony can’t eat it all because fear makes the food taste like ash.

Tony becomes a pro at sneaking small snacks into his room over the years. They don’t taste like ash, and they’re easier to hide from Dad.

There’s still blood on his carpet from the last time he ate during a punishment and Dad found out.

*

_Be a man, Anthony._

_You’re a disappointment._

_Grow the fuck up, pussy._

_Get out of my sight!_

_I hate you._

Tony has trouble sleeping. A voice that sounds suspiciously like Dad’s taunts him until he’s wide awake, until he’s coming up with bigger, better weapon designs, because even though Dad hates him, Tony still yearns for approval.

He can’t-won’t, sleep until he’s better.

*

When Tony is twelve, Dad beats him so badly that he ends up in the hospital for a week.

Tony hadn’t even done anything wrong this time, hadn’t tried to show Dad his projects, hadn’t even noticed he was home. Dad had been gone again, searching for Captain America, and things had been…peaceful, for once. Tony had been sitting at his desk reading a book when Dad stormed in.

His rage was almost tangible.

“I couldn’t fucking find him, Tony”, Dad yelled between hits and kicks. Tony tried to curl up to protect himself, but a sharp kick to his ribs sends him reeling. He gasps, and Dad shouts, “I lost Steve, and I fucking got stuck with you instead! A worthless, useless, pussy of a boy!”

Tony wakes up a day later, confused, groggy, and panicking because he can’t see out of his left eye, but Jarvis tries to calm him as the doctor lists off his injuries.

A concussion, three broken ribs, internal bleeding caused by a rib puncturing his spleen, and some heavy bruising and swelling. If Jarvis hadn’t found him, he would have died.

Not for the first time, Tony wishes he were dead.

*

He’s numb, but he accidentally cuts himself in his lab one day and it makes him feel…better. Centered.

_Alive._

Stealing a razor is easy.

Bringing it across his skin and making himself bleed is somehow even easier.

*

Howard sees and smacks Tony so hard he tastes blood, but for once, he doesn’t care.

It makes him feel better. Not even Howard can take that away from him.

*

He goes to MIT, and his father hounds him for bigger, better weapon designs.

Tony hates himself for being afraid, for still wanting love and attention from Howard. He’s not a dumb child anymore; he knows that he rarely gets what he wants (he can’t even make a friend; he has to build himself one, and after the press conference Tony walks away with bruised ribs), but he’s still hopeful, like some stupid child.

He’s a genius. So why does he keep acting this way?

*

And then, Tony meets Rhodey.

*

Rhodey is everything that Tony has ever wanted, but has never deserved. He’s funny, he’s kind, he defends Tony when other students make fun of him, he lets Tony sprawl on top of him when he’s desperate for touch (and Tony is desperate for touch a lot).

Rhodey is comfort and safety, and he’ll probably leave just like everyone else, but Tony will let himself have this nice thing for once.

Even if it doesn’t last.

*

Soon enough, Rhodey becomes suspicious.

Tony’s noticed that others downplay his intelligence, but Rhodey is a genius too. He notices Tony’s strange eating habits, the way he flinches when people move suddenly around him, the way he hides snacks around the dorm, the way he curls himself into small spaces when he’s scared.

Rhodey’s asked, but Tony has deflected every time. Rhodey, the saint that he is, drops it but Tony knows that he won’t be able to hide forever.

*

That day comes sooner than Tony would like.

He’s on the phone with an enraged Howard, who has called him and his latest designs “worthless garbage”, who wonders what he did to get stuck with “such a fuck up for a kid.” Tony is shaking and trying so hard not to cry that he doesn’t hear Rhodey enter the room.

_At least he isn’t here to hit me._

Howard screams, “Don’t fucking call this house until you do better!” and hangs up.

Tony runs a trembling hand through his hair and flinches when he hears, “What the fuck was that?”

There is fire in Rhodey’s eyes, a fire that Tony isn’t used to seeing from Rhodey. He’s seen Rhodey mad, but never like this. Not angry enough to kill. And while a tiny part of Tony’s brain knows that Rhodey isn’t mad at him, a larger part of him is so terrified that he’s curling up under his desk before he can think about it. “I’m sorry, okay, I’m sorry, please don’t be mad because I can fix it, I promise I can I just need to be better, but Rhodey, please don’t be mad.”

Rhodey crouches in front of him, but keeps a distance. Tony tries to back up and involuntarily whimpers when he realizes that he has nowhere to go, that he’s not safe, that Rhodey can see him, so he’s in _danger, danger, danger._

“Hey, Tones, it’s okay,” Rhodey says gently. “ I’m really sorry I scared you. Can you come out? I promise I won’t hurt you.”

Tony frantically shakes his head, fully expecting Rhodey to ignore him because, when they aren’t hitting him, that’s what people do. But he never feels Rhodey’s hands on his arms, never even hears him sigh frustratedly. Instead he hears, “That’s okay. Can I touch you?”

Tony wants to shake his head, wants to beg Rhodey to leave him alone, but he doesn’t. He can’t. Because this is Rhodey.

Even now, he knows that Rhodey won’t hurt him. He still can’t leave the comfort of his tiny space, though, so he offers Rhodey his hand. Rhodey clasps it tightly over his own and rubs his thumb over Tony’s knuckles. The gesture is small, but soothing, and Tony feels tears spring to his eyes.

Rhodey is so good, and Tony is a bad person who doesn’t deserve him.

“I’m sorry I scared you earlier, Tones. I was just so mad.”

“It’s okay. I piss a lot of people off. Miracle you haven’t run off yet, really -”

“I’m gonna stop you right there.” Rhodey keeps his voice low and soothing, and Tony hates himself for taking comfort in it. “I’m not mad at _you_. I’m mad at Howard.”

Tony is confused. Rhodey’s mad at Howard? But Howard’s right. It’s Tony who is the worthless, useless, fuck-up. It’s not Howard’s fault that Tony is so terrible.

“All of those things he said about you Tony? They’re not true. You’re not useless, you’re not worthless; you’re not a disappointment. Howard is a jealous, bitter old fuck, but that’s not your fault. It’s his, and you deserve so much more than what you’ve gotten, and I’m so, so fucking sorry. I know that big brain of yours is probably telling you otherwise, but I want you to listen to me, okay? There’s nothing wrong with you, and you do not deserve it.

Tony’s crying before Rhodey finishes. No one except for Jarvis has told him any of that before, and to hear it from Rhodey means everything. He hates that Rhodey knows, is so deeply ashamed, but he slowly uncurls and comes out from underneath the desk. He hesitates before throwing himself into Rhodey’s lap, but Rhodey says, “C’mere, Tones,” and Tony throws himself at him.

Rhodey catches him. Every time.

*

Things aren’t weird between them after that. Tony thought that it would get weird for a while, but nothing has changed. Rhodey doesn’t just accept Tony’s quirks anymore (which has been enough for Tony in the first place); now, Rhodey tries to actively understand them.

Tony loves him.

*

Jarvis comes to MIT to tell Tony that he’s been diagnosed with lung cancer. Tony cries, and Jarvis reassures Tony that he’ll be just fine, and Tony has such a bad panic attack after Jarvis leaves the next morning that Rhodey nearly calls an ambulance.

Three and a half weeks later, his mother calls and her words make his blood run cold.

“Oh, _tesoro_ , I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry, sweetheart, but Jarvis passed away last night.”

*

He goes home for the funeral and stays for a week. When he comes back to campus, he has two broken ribs, a limp, fractured cheekbones, and a black eye that he covers with foundation. Rhodey narrows his eyes, and before he can speak, Tony hurriedly passes it off as a lab accident.

“Things explode around me all the time, Rhodey, god you should know this by now.”

Rhodey huffs and shakes his head, but he drops it, and Tony breathes a sigh of relief. Tony doesn’t have the energy to talk about this with him right now (or ever), and Rhodey asks about Howard so often that Tony knows that Rhodey is sure of the fact that Tony gets hit at home and he’s just waiting for Tony to confirm it. Tony can’t, won’t, confirm it even to Rhodey. His former nanny squealed once, and she was gone the next day. Tony can’t afford to lose Rhodey, and Howard could make people disappear in the blink of an eye. So Tony would never tell him that Howard had hit him, not even because Tony had made him angry again, but simply because, “Jarvis isn’t here to protect you now, is he, boy?”

It’s routine, and Tony’s heart no longer races whenever they go through this, because his mind worries about almost everything else, but Rhodey has never been, and never will be one of them. He sees Rhodey and instead of screaming _danger, danger, danger_ , his mind calms and says, _love, comfort, safety_. Safety is a foreign feeling to Tony, and he relishes in it whenever he’s near Rhodey. Rhodey will never hit him. Rhodey will never starve him, or tell him he’s worthless, that he hates him, and that Tony should go die. Rhodey is kind, he is gentle, and he never drags Tony out of tiny spaces that he crams himself in when he needs to feel safe. Rhodey tries to coax him out with a low, soothing voice and gentle words, and when Tony refuses to come out, he asks Tony if he can touch him before taking his hand in his own.

Tony gets hit at home. It’s an unspoken thing between them, but there are many of those.

*

Anxiety leaves him alone for once. Depression wraps her claws around his very being and refuses to let go. He drags a ball and chain with him wherever he goes, and no matter what he does, the crushing weight never lifts. Depression sounds like his father; only instead of shouting, she whispers horrible, worthless, bad person, you deserve to get hit, no one could love you until he takes a razor to his ankle just to make the voice shut up.

Depression tells him that Jarvis got cancer and died to get away from Tony, that he never loved Tony, and that it was the only way Jarvis could get away from him. Not even a razor can stop that, and Tony cries, and cries, and cries, because if Jarvis couldn’t love him, then who could? Not his father or mother, that’s for sure. Rhodey says he loves him, but Jarvis did too, and that was a lie, so surely Rhodey must be lying too. The thoughts crush him, but he puts on a brave face to avoid worrying Rhodey. Even if Rhodey abandons him eventually, he’s here now, and Tony hates worrying him. Despite his exhaustion, he gets out of bed, goes to class, hangs out with Rhodey, and works in the lab. He showers every other day, and he tries to eat regularly, but it’s so hard because he’s just not hungry. His masks work nonetheless, and Rhodey stays off his back.

*

He meant to get out of bed hours ago, but even breathing takes up too much energy. Rhodey is curled up beside him, arms wrapped around his middle. He runs fingers through Tony’s hair, causing Tony to blink sleepily. He’s so tired, but he can’t sleep.

“What’s wrong, Tones?” Rhodey murmurs against his hair. “Talk to me.”

He can’t.

He’s tried, but he can’t.

*

An idea comes to him.

He’s been toying with the idea since he was young, about eight years old, but he’s never tried. It used to scare him, and it still does, but it’s his only option at this point. Jarvis is dead, and Howard hates him, and Mom hasn’t spoken to him in two months, and Rhodey’s worried, and Tony is exhausted. His masks are falling apart, he’s falling apart, and Rhodey saw cuts on his ankle and Tony had to play it off like another lab accident, and now Rhodey’s watching him like a hawk. Howard is becoming more demanding, more threatening than ever before now that Jarvis is dead, and Tony can’t take it anymore. He has panic attacks that completely deplete his already low energy. Everything is too much; he’ll never escape unless he does this.

He’s better off dead.

*

Rhodey’s ROTC buddies drag him out of their apartment to go to a party, and Tony knows that this will be his only chance. Rhodey has been watching him too closely; he’ll never be able to do this if he’s here. He sees Rhodey off with a cheerful, “Have fun, sugarplum!” He knows Rhodey will be gone for awhile, so he puts on his pajamas, makes some popcorn, and watches Back to the Future. When it’s over, he turns the television off, washes his bowl, and retreats to his bedroom. He should be anxious, but he isn’t. He should go searching for Rhodey, beg him to talk him down, but he won’t. This is what Tony wants, what he needs.

It’s better this way. Rhodey won’t have to worry about him, and he’ll be free from Howard. Free from the anxiety, the depression, the terror that he feels every single day of his goddamn life. He’ll never get hit again, and maybe, just maybe, he’ll see Jarvis again.

The pros outweigh the cons. It’s an easy decision.

The blood pools from his wrists. He’s heard of people regretting it, but that’s not the case for Tony.

For the first time, he is at peace.

*

He wakes to an obnoxious beeping sound.

A hand runs through his hair and he involuntarily leans into the touch. Soft lips kiss his forehead, and he forces his eyes to open, hoping to see Jarvis. When his vision finally focuses, he has to blink back tears of sadness and disappointment.

Rhodey’s mother smiles softly at him. Tony loves Mama Rhodes, knows that she’s the closest thing to a mother he has, but if Mama Rhodes is here, that means Tony is alive.

He failed. Surprise surprise. God, he hates himself.

Someone is crying, but it isn’t him. His face is dry. Tony decides to ignore it for now. He doesn’t have the energy to deal with it.

“Hey, sweetheart,” Mama Rhodes says. She brushes his bangs from his forehead. “You gave us a pretty good scare there.”

He’s disappointed her. He’s always disappointing someone.

“What happened?”

Tony knows what happened. Someone found him and called an ambulance. But who found him? Rhodey was out.

“I found you, Tony.” Tony freezes. No, no, no, no. He slowly turns his head, hoping against hope that he’s wrong, that it didn’t happen, that he’s imagining it. But when he sees Rhodey on the other side of the bed, face wet with tears and eyes bloodshot and puffy, Tony feels his blood run cold. His best friend found him and had to save him. “I came back from the party, because I knew something was wrong, and I found you. You were unconscious, and god Tony, I’ve never been so scared in my life. I’ve been here the entire time. Mom and Dad just got here about an hour ago. Tony…Your parents are coming. My dad went to go find them.”

Tony finally cries. He can’t even kill himself right, and now Howard is going to do it for him.

*

The doctors recommend that Tony receive inpatient treatment. Howard refuses.

*

Mom cries, and Howard _shouts_.

“I can’t believe you would fucking embarrass me like this, Anthony! Did you even think about how this would look for the company? For me? Do you want people thinking I’m a piece of shit, Anthony? It sure fucking seems like it! You’re so goddamn selfish. All you ever think about it yourself, and I’ve had it!”

Howard gets kicked out. Tony’s mother gives him a hug and a teary kiss, tells him she loves him, and leaves.

She doesn’t come back, and Tony is numb.

*

In October, days after he is released from the hospital, rumors start circulating about Howard’s parenting. Howard holds a press conference, and Tony is forced to lie to a sea of reporters and tell the world that he and his father have a great relationship, that Howard isn’t abusive, that his father loves him and he loves his father in equal measure.

When all is said and done, Howard grabs Tony by the wrist and says, “If you ever embarrass me like this again, Anthony, and you’ll wish that you had cut a little deeper. Lord knows I do.”

He releases Tony’s wrist and saunters off. Tony moves to rub his still-healing wrist and sees blood.

Howard popped a stitch. Tony doesn’t even care.

*

Go to class, work in the labs, do homework, hang out with Rhodey, eat, shower, sleep, repeat.

Tony’s never been one for monotony, but he needs structure a bit more than he’s willing to admit right now. Rhodey needs it too, if the way he’s sticking to Tony like glue is an indicator.

In December, everything changes.

*

Mom is dead, and Tony cries for her.

But Howard is dead, too.

_I’m free_ , Tony thinks as he stares at Howard’s body. _I’m free_.

*

The mansion is quiet without Howard. Even when he wasn’t physically present, Tony was always tense, sensing danger. But Tony, for the first time ever, is calm as he roams his childhood home. Rhodey is with him, and that probably has something to do with it, but Tony doesn’t care. He’ll take whatever peace he can get at this point.

*

_Tony runs through the mansion halls, eager to show Jarvis his new pet. It’s a frog he found in the pond, but it’s not poisonous or anything. He knows. Uncle Daniel taught Tony all about frogs once while he was staying with him and Aunt Peggy. He doesn’t have a name for the frog yet, but Jarvis will help him with that. Jarvis is good at those kinds of things._

_“Jarvis, Jarvis, look what I got!” Tony shouts as he skids into the kitchen. Only Jarvis isn’t there. One of the cooks, Andrew, is. Tony doesn’t mind. He likes Andrew. But that’s not what makes Tony stops in his tracks._

_Dad is there too._

_Dad wasn’t supposed to be back for another three weeks. Tony’s mouth goes dry, and his heart begins to pound. Dad dismisses Andrew. Tony resists the urge to beg him to stay. It’ll only be worse if he begs._

_“What’s that you got there, Anthony?”_

_“A….A frog, Dad.” He blinks back tears. Tears only make Dad angrier, and Tony’s so, so tired of being a failure and making him angry._

_“Why did you bring a frog into this house? Did you want it as a pet?”_

_Tony nods, too afraid to speak. Howard laughs. “You can’t have a pet, boy. Only good people can have pets. And you know what you are, right?”_

_“A bad person,” Tony parrots back._

_“That’s right. But you never learn, do you?”_

_Tony braces himself, but Howard’s fist never comes. Nothing could have prepared him for the white-hot pain he feels when Howard throws the boiling water on him. Tony cries, he can’t help it, the pain is just too much, and Howard smacks him. “It’ll get worse until you learn your lesson, boy.”_

Tony jolts awake and gasps, chest heaving in panic. He can feel the water on his body, can feel the burns; he wraps his arms around himself and rocks back and forth on his bed, waiting for the pain to go away. He can’t cry, because Howard will hear him, and it’ll be so much worse if Howard hears him crying. He can hear Howard walking down the hall, can smell his cologne, and Tony swallows the bile rising in his throat.

It takes twenty agonizing minutes for Tony to realize that none of it is real. Howard is dead. He can’t be walking down the hall. He’s dead, so Tony can’t smell his cologne. Tony resists the lingering urge to hide in his closet, telling himself that it was just a dream, that Howard can’t hurt him anymore.

He chalks the nightmare up to the stress of the funeral and tells himself that it’s officially over, that he can relax.

*

The nightmares don’t stop by the time Tony returns to MIT for his final semester. If anything, they become more intense now that he’s away from the mansion. He wants to curl up and sleep next to Rhodey, to soak up the comfort so badly that he aches with it, but he doesn’t want to let Rhodey know that he’s having nightmares. If Rhodey knew, then he would have to tell Rhodey about getting hit.

Tony’s worked too hard to keep his secret safe.

*

He and Rhodey are watching a movie when Howard appears.

“A movie?” He sneers. “You’re wasting time, boy. The military won’t wait because you wanted to watch a movie.”

Tony leans into Rhodey and buries his face in his stomach, Rhodey’s arm automatically moving to rub Tony’s back. Tony ignores Howard and chalks the hallucination up to being tired.

It’s not real, it’s not real, you’re just tired, it’s not real.

*

_Howard’s hand wraps around Tony’s throat, and Tony gasps for air. “You’ll never amount to anything, Anthony. I can’t believe I got stuck with such a fuck up for a kid.”_

*

He shakes, and Rhodey holds him tight.

The nightmares will pass soon. At least Tony hopes they will.

*

When the phone rings, he’s terrified that it’s Howard calling to berate him. He flinches if Rhodey moves suddenly, bracing himself for a punch. He can’t sleep at night because the terror keeps him awake; his heart races over every unexpected sound because his mind thinks it’s Howard. He curls up under the desk he can hardly fit under whenever an experiment goes wrong, his mind screaming,  _Rhodey won’t be able to find you and hit you, it’s safe under there, you need to hide to he doesn’t hit you._

Rhodey has never hit him, has never even raised his voice at him. The terror is irrational, Tony knows, but he can’t stop because he’s just too afraid of everything.

But it’s fine.

He’s always fine.

*

He sees Howard wherever he goes. In class, in the lab, in the living room of his apartment, Howard is always there. Just standing, silently disapproving.

*

He’s upgrading DUM-E when it happens.

He hears Howard creep up behind him, smells his cologne. Tony stiffens as Howard walks into his line of sight, sneers, and says, “You’re wasting time, boy. Those fucking robots of yours aren’t worth anything. I wouldn’t have to hit you if you would just fucking learn.”

And then Tony feels Howard’s fist connect with his face, feels the spit as Howard shouts, feels the violent tug of his hair. It’s too late to hide, he’s not safe, he’s not safe, he’s not -

It stops as suddenly as it starts, and Tony barely makes it to the toilet before he throws up everything in his stomach (which isn’t a lot. He’s just not hungry these days).

It was so real. Howard was there, Tony knows it, he felt it. He smelled the cologne, felt Howard’s fists, felt his hand yanking his hair. It’s sleep deprivation. It has to be. There’s no other explanation.

Tony doesn’t sleep that night. He’s too busy shaking in terror. Howard is standing next to his dresser, sneering at him.

“You’ll never be free of me, boy.”

*

“This class is so fucking useless.”

_Fucking useless._

_Fucking useless._

_You’re fucking useless, boy._

Tony quakes as Rhodey morphs into Howard. _You’re fucking useless, you’ll never amount to anything, I hate you, I hope you die._

_Hot water on his body._

_Hot metal in his hands. Then, Howard’s sharp laughter._

_Calloused hands around his throat._

_Shiny black loafers connecting with his ribs._

“-ones, hey, it’s okay! Tones, it’s okay, I’m right here, it’s okay!” Something grabs his hand and Tony can’t help it. He’s so terrified that he shrieks.

“Don’t hit me! I don’t care what else you do, just don’t hit me!”

_Stop fucking crying, boy._

_Pussy._

_Stark men are made of iron._

_“Tony, it’s Rhodey.”_

Rhodey? He’s here? Where? All Tony can see is Howard, Howard with his fist raised -

“I’m not going to hit you, Tony. It’s 1:30 PM. We’re in our apartment in Cambridge. We go to MIT, and I was ranting about our literature course. Howard is dead. No one is going to hit you.”

Howard? Dead? But Tony sees him; he can’t be dead.

“I’ve got you, Tones. It’s just me and you here. You’re okay.”

“Rhodey?” He still sees Howard. It can’t be true. But he hears Rhodey, and Rhodey would never lie to him, would never hit him.

“Yeah, Tones. It’s Rhodey. What do you need?”

“Talk to me, I need…”

I need to make sure you’re real.

And Rhodey rambles until the hallucination stops. After it’s over, Tony curls up in Rhodey’s lap. The jig is up. Rhodey knows about the hallucinations. Knows that Howard used to hit him. Yet he hasn’t laughed at Tony once, hasn’t told him that he must have done something to deserve it.

He rubs Tony’s back just the way he knows Tony likes, and Tony soaks up the comfort.

*

Tony is physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted.

He can’t sleep, he can’t eat, he keeps seeing Howard, and he cuts more than ever before, and Rhodey’s so worried, but everything is just too much. He’s with Rhodey in Philadelphia for spring break. They’re curled up together in his childhood bed. It’s 1:00 in the morning, and Tony’s crying. Howard has followed him here, too, and Tony hates himself for being so afraid. Howard is dead, and he’s still finding new ways to torment Tony.

He chokes on a sob, trying not to wake up Rhodey and failing. The arms around him tighten, and Tony realizes that this is one of the only times he’s ever allowed himself to cry.

“What’s wrong, Tones?” He feels lips on the top of his head, and that just makes him cry harder. He doesn’t deserve Rhodey’s kindness, but he’s crying too hard to say anything. The tears come hard and fast, but he can’t stop. He hates himself, hates how he’s so scared of Howard even though the bastard is dead, hates how he throws up everything because he smells Howard’s cologne, hates that he can’t work on his bots because Howard appears and sneers at him, hates that he sees Howard wherever he goes, hates that he can’t find any fucking peace.

Tony cries for hours. He knows, because the sun eventually comes up, and Mama Rhodes eventually comes into the room. She stays, too. Tony loves her, but he doesn’t deserve her either.

_You don’t deserve anything,_ Howard says. _I made you. You’ve done nothing. Remember that._

Rhodey rubs his back, and Mama Rhodes talks to him. Tony’s throat is raw, but the tears refuse to stop. Distantly, he hears Rhodey tell his mother that he’s been crying for twelve hours, and part of him feels ashamed, but hasn’t he earned it? Hasn’t he gone through enough? Jarvis always told him that crying was nothing to be ashamed of, and Rhodey has always echoed that statement. So what if it’s been twelve hours? He’s been through _years_ of torment, and he’s never been allowed to express how sad he is for one fucking minute.

So right now, in this moment, he lets himself cry. It’s been twelve hours, but that’s not nearly enough to make up for a lifetime of pain and fear.

He hears Howard huff angrily and knows that he’ll never truly be free.


End file.
